One Liners

Throughout the school year I'd post one-liners on my dorm room door wipe off board.  Why?  Well, why not?  I got inspiration for doing that from a TV show on ESPN that I occasionally watch, but that will be discussed in a different post.  Humor is an important aspect of life.  Allowing us to laugh, relieve stress, relax, enjoy ourselves, take our mind off of things, make us smile (or in some cases groan).  It's a very subjective topic.  What I find funny someone else might think is not funny at all, and vice versa.  Anyway, with that aside, here is 50 of the one-liners that at some point throughout the past two school years has went up on the board.  I usually will Google search 'funny one liners' to find them, and I've used a few different sources so 98% of these are NOT original at all.  Only one of them I actually made up on my own, and that one is marked with an asterisk.

1.  Politicians and diapers should both be changed often, and for the same reason.
2.  I always thought that by 2013 we would have flying cars.  Instead, we have blankets with sleeves.
3.  When chemists die, they barium.
4.   Childhood is like being drunk.  Everyone else remembers what you did, except for you.
5.  *I went up to the coal mine to give beer to the workers.  I was then immediately arrested for giving alcohol to miners.
6.  Age is nothing but a number?  FALSE.  Age is a word.
7.  My gas tank just went from zero to $50 in under a minute.
8.  College is a fountain of knowledge, and the students are there to drink.
9.  Scientists say that the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons.  They forgot to mention morons.
10.  A clean desk is usually the sign of a cluttered drawer.
11.  Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
12.  Gravity always gets me down.
13.  A day without sunshine is like night.
14.  A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
15.  Do Transformers buy car insurance or life insurance?
16.  I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
17.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
18.  BREAKING NEWS:  Cartoonist found murdered;  Details are sketchy.
19.  It's a ten minute walk from my house to the bar.  Weirdly, it's a two hour walk from the bar back to my house.
20.  Dont't steal.  The government hates competition
21.  If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
22.  Did you hear about the murder mystery porno?  In the end it turns out everybody did it!
23.  We never really grow up.  We only learn how to act in public.
24.  BREAKING NEWS:  Police station toilet stolen;  Cops have nothing to go on.
25.  My cooking is so awesome that even the smoke alarm cheers me on.
26.  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.
27.  If my memory get's any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.
28.  A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk I have a work station...
29.  Avoid peer pressure.  Everybody's doing it!
30.  I discovered that I scream the same way whether a giant shark is about to devour me or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
31.  I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.
32.  IRS - We got what it takes to take what you got
33.  With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
34.  "The primary problem with quotes found on the Internet is that they are hardly ever accurate" - Abraham Lincoln
35.  Whether the glass is half empty or half full, either way it's time for another beer.
36.  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
37.  How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words!
38.  It's recently been proven that people who have more birthdays tend to live longer.
39.  You're always welcome in the 'Show Me' state because Missouri loves company
40.  BREAKING NEWS:  Chicken found murdered;  Police suspect fowl play.
41.  Corduroy pillows...they're making headlines!
42.  Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
43.  The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
44.  I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
45.  A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
46.  No, I don't want to come to your cat's birthday party, you freak.  Besides, my dog is getting married that weekend.
47.  Energizer Bunny arrested;  Charged with battery.
48. I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future...but enough about my diet.
49. "Here's to our wives and our girlfriends...may they never meet!" - Groucho Marx
50. Eat right.  Stay fit.  Die anyway.
    
    Hope you enjoyed them!